archipelago.

I.

Janet told her husband he looked like hell.

She said that with a hair tie clenched in her teeth standing outside the passenger door of the car.

There’s some eyedrops in the glove compartment, she said.

Franco reached from the driver side and pulled out the owner’s manual and a pressure gauge. He looked them over like it was the first time he’d seen either. He put the manual back then held the gauge closer to his face. His reflection was mangled and stretched in the sphere of the stainless steel.

Not that one.
The one under your elbow.

That’s the glove compartment, said Franco.

Whatever it’s called.
The little place you store things.

Janet told everyone to wish her luck before she shut the door but no one said anything. They waited in the car like she wanted them to.

Surprises are selfish. Their boy Leif had said that after she shut the door. He was at the age of repeating things and getting better at knowing when to repeat them. When his sister heard that she looked up from her book and smiled.

Lilian hadn’t looked up from that book for most of the drive. The book had a heavy hardcover with a faded title on the spine. Leif liked saying the name but he needed her help with it.

Goo…Log…Ark…Uh…Pel…ago.

He liked the sound of Archipelago but could only ever remember how to say Gulag so he’d say it and wait for Lilian to finish the rest. Waiting there in the car he asked her what it was about.

It’s about people in Russia.
A long time ago, said Lilian.

Russia?

Yeah, it’s a country.
It’s far.

He kept staring at her and she could see his brain working so she said something else.

It’s about good people stuck in a bad place.

The boy stared out his window where there was only a desert and a highway. Another minute of that went by then he sounded out Archipelago better than he had been.

Franco had the car off but left the radio on low. Low enough to not hear it but still know it’s there. He reclined his seat further and set his head back like he might sleep.

He thought of things that had already happened. Some of it was still a memory but the more he’d think about it the more it seemed to change.

Dr. Scott talked a lot about those memories. The ones that change when you keep thinking about them. He started thinking about Dr. Scott. Whenever he thought of Dr. Scott he knew he was wrong about something. That was kind of an agreement they had. Sometimes they talked a lot about a lot of things and that made it hard to remember what he was wrong about. But he was always wrong about the man’s name so that was a good one to set back to if anything got too heavy.

Dr. Scott liked to be called Ken. He’d been seeing Ken for about four months and they were still having that conversation. They were still having a lot of the same conversations. That’s why he’s still seeing Dr. Scott. Franco heard the boy’s voice from the backseat.

Papa, are you sad?

A long tear ran down Franco’s face. Then he smiled and held up the eyedrops so he could show the boy where the tears were coming from.

—

Janet went into the building that smelled like hot piss and concrete. The barking was loud enough to make her wince. Then it got loud enough to make her forget about the smell and the drive over and the name of the dog she was looking to get.

There was a woman behind a desk and a man with a large set of keys leaning against the wall. They were speaking Spanish when Janet walked in. She stood there in the middle of the room until they stopped talking and looked her over. They never said anything to her so she pulled her phone out and held up a picture of the dog. The man nodded and went down a hallway.

The woman picked up a half-eaten sandwich sitting on a drink napkin on the corner of her desk. Janet tried not to watch her eat but the woman wasn’t saying anything and there wasn’t much else to look at. When she set that sandwich back down it had got a little smaller and fit a little better on that napkin but it still looked stupid. She caught a whiff of piss again then remembered that the dog’s name is Cleo.

The man came back with a dog named Rupert. Janet held up the picture of Cleo again. The man nodded again then went back to leaning on that wall. The woman pushed a pen and some paperwork towards her then finished that sandwich.

—

Rupert jumped into the backseat between the kids almost like he belonged there. Both Leif and Lilian seemed happy like Janet was planning for. They were petting the dog and looking him over. Franco never turned around but he looked at the dog a few times through the rearview mirror and thought about how it looked like an ugly child. Janet never said anything about Cleo.

They drove to a park off the highway and let the dog out. Janet and the kids took turns throwing a ball around. Rupert brought it back a few times. Other times he would run after it then just stand over it and look back at everyone. Then he’d stare off into the desert like he was thinking about things while he caught his breath.

The dog slept hard in the car slumped over against the boy. Then his paws twitched and he whimpered and shook like he was scared or in pain. Leif watched for a minute without saying anything then he started to cry.

He’s okay, baby. He’s having a dream, said Janet.
That’s how doggies dream.
He’s ok. He’s gonna be ok.

Leif looked to his sister. She nodded her head and said that was true. Then she told him he’s gonna be alright, I promise. He started to pet the dog again.

Janet felt warm and heavy and realized she was tired. She had done the thing she’d been thinking about so it wasn’t just a thought anymore. But it didn’t seem real so maybe she was dreaming too. She was thinking that.

She thought about the night before. Getting in the car and coming here. Franco lying on the bed and staring up at the ceiling fan. It was dark and she couldn’t tell if he was watching it spin or sleeping.

She thought about her parents’ place. Stopping there on the drive over. Her mother. How her mother pumped her arms while she walked. Like she was moving fast or running or trying to show you she was trying hard.

Janet’s father said something to Lilian. He said something about automating journalism. Letting the robots do it. Then told her to become a nurse because it’s easier than being a doctor. And it’s good to know how to take care of people. And men like to be taken care of.

Janet cleared her throat and could feel it was hoarse. It was hoarse like she’d been yelling or saying too much.

She did some yelling about a day ago. She thought about that. Somewhere off the highway. Out in an Idaho hellscape fifty miles past her parents’ place. Franco did what she told him to and pulled the car over. Before it fully stopped she’d already jumped out and made a run at nothing.

She lost a shoe after the first few strides. The earth burned her foot more than she wanted to keep running so she had to stand out there for a couple minutes on one leg choking on air while Franco brought the shoe over. He took a knee in front of her so she could rest her barefoot on his leg while he put the shoe back on. He tied a double knot just in case she wanted to keep running.

Janet was done thinking about that so she pulled her phone out like she does when she wants to be done thinking.

She opened the app that talked about jobs and work. The one with all the people talking about their jobs or their work. A top to bottom feed of things they were excited to share or opportunities they were grateful for. Janet kept scrolling and read some of it. Then she stopped reading and just looked at their little pictures. They had little pictures next to the things they were saying. In the corner she could see her little picture too. She clicked on her own little picture and read the things she said about herself. She thought about changing the things she said about herself. She fell asleep.

—

Franco pulled into a rest stop where Idaho started to have some trees. One other car was parked there but it pulled out as they pulled in. The sun was gone but there was some light.

The kids were out cold. Janet’s mouth hung open. Franco touched her shoulder but she just shook her head instead of waking up.

He took Rupert out to a grass lot. The dog followed him like he was in trouble or just didn’t know what else to do.

Franco talked to the dog a little but the dog never said anything. Franco could see the dog was alright and got comfortable saying more things to him. He took the leash off of Rupert like they already trusted each other.

Rupert walked with him for a bit. Then he trotted around the field and stopped a few times to look back like they saw him do earlier at the park. Franco waved at the dog like he’d heard what he was saying earlier and might care about him.

Now Franco was smiling. He thought about his family in the car. What they might think and say about all this. How he might tell them about it when he gets back in that car. That might get everyone thinking he’s better or getting better than he’s been. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d told them about anything. Maybe I won’t say anything. Maybe it doesn’t matter. He said that out there in the grass to nobody.

Rupert saw something beyond the treeline and sprinted towards it. He ripped down a gametrail until he was completely out of sight.

Franco yelled out a few times but couldn’t remember his name. He decided it was Robert so he marched down that gametrail yelling for Robert.

Calling for the dog didn’t seem to do anything but hearing his own voice was distracting. It was kind of fun. He was thinking that. It felt alright to take big breaths and push them out. He was hiking upward along a hillside before it went straight down. That made the breaths bigger too.

His legs were burning. He was thirsty. But he had this new thing to do and it felt bigger than his breaths or the other things he’d been thinking. He started to smile.

Franco lost his footing early on the decline and started a slow and dumb fall. The kind that should have never happened. Once he got his footing he fell again.

On the second tumble he cut his forehead. It wasn’t a bad cut but it bled fast. He laid there on the ground for a minute and listened to his breath and then listened for anything. There was nothing.

On the way back to the car he’d wrapped his shirt around his forehead to stop the bleeding. He thought that was kind of fun. The blood made things easier. Everyone could see he was hurt and he didn’t have to tell anyone he was hurting or wait for them to figure it out.

Janet saw him limping through the grass. Once she could look him over he felt stupid about the whole thing and wished he was still wearing his shirt.

They went back down the trail together and called out for the dog. Janet was holding her phone out like a flashlight.

Janet told him it’s his fault. Everything. And that he’d have to wake the kids when they’re back in the car.

I didn’t lose him.

He ran away, said Franco.

I’m not having this conversation with you, said Janet.

Fine by me.

I’m sure it is…

You probably lost him on purpose.

Janet, that’s pathetic.

You are pathetic, Franco.

It’s like you’re addicted to this shit.

…the moping and the sulking.

You just like, made this whole thing your identity.

God forbid you try to help yourself.

I don’t want to fight.

Maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing, Franco.

At least I’d have a sign you’re still in there.

No one woke the kids. They drove for about twenty miles in silence until Lilian woke. Leif woke up after she started screaming and banging on the back of the driver’s seat.

—

Franco waited in the car while the family went out looking for the dog in the dark back at the rest stop. It was busier than it had been. He got to watch Janet walk up to strangers with her hand on her chest. They’d take turns talking and some of them would put their hand on their own chest too.

He couldn’t hear anything they were saying but he could tell Janet was saying thank you to everyone before they walked away. Franco touched the gauze he’d put on his eye and leaned the seat back and decided he didn’t want them to find the dog.

The family got back in the car. Leif had a new cry they hadn’t heard before. A steady stream of stuttered inhales. It was soft but it sounded like it hurt more.

—

Franco drove them to a cracker barrel off the highway. They ordered a few things but no one ate and no one spoke.

In the parking lot Lilian wouldn’t get back in the car. Franco got out to talk to her but she shoved him away. Then she shoved him as hard as she could before heading towards the onramp on foot.

Lilian walked the highway shoulder with the headlights covering her back. Franco drove behind her. Janet reached over to turn the hazard lights on.

Goth lesbian?

She’s none of those things.

Like you’d know the first thing about her.

Well I know I make an effort.

Franco got hot and red and yelled about dumb ideas and distractions and the dog. Janet yelled about trying and effort again. Then she brought up his brother and his book that Lilian had been reading in the backseat.

Franco hit the brakes then reached back there to grab it then threw it out the window.

Blues and reds from the patrol car pulsed on everyone’s face. Each of them was wearing a different light at a different time like they were taking turns. The officer parked a ways in front of Lilian so she’d stop walking. He let her bang on the backseat window for a while until he unlocked it and let her sit inside.

The officer talked to her parents for a while about the highway and their daughter. Then he said a little about his own daughter. In between saying things they’d all stare at the back of Lilian’s head until someone started talking again.

II.

They pulled off into one of those neighborhoods off the highway that look familiar but out of place. Most of the houses were for sale or unfinished. Janet held her phone up like a compass and pointed them to a driveway in a culdesac. She scrolled through her phone for a minute and everyone sat quiet listening to the hot metal cooling and the ticking sounds of the exhaust until Janet said ok and opened her door.

They brought their baggage in. They had to walk up some stairs to get to the bedrooms. The kids seemed to know where to go and where they were supposed to be.

The boy’s room had a bed in the corner and a tent on the floor and a lantern on the nightstand. Leif grabbed the lantern and climbed in the tent and zipped it shut.

The girl’s room had pink walls and a pink bed and a mirror closet. Lilian sat at the foot of the bed and looked at herself. Then she opened the closet. There were empty hangers on the right side and some things pushed to the corner on the left. Dresses, uniforms and things you only wear once and forget about most of the time.

The master bedroom was at the end of the hallway. Janet went in and shut the door.

Franco never came up. He stayed in the living room with the two floral couches and a coffee table. He set a bag on one couch and laid on the other. There were some pictures of places on the mantle. Dr. Scott’s office had some of those pictures. Maybe they were the same ones. He couldn’t really tell.

—

Janet felt she was missing something so she went down to the car.

She popped the trunk and started pushing things around. A sweatshirt, a blanket. Then she lifted the floor by the plastic handle and stared at the spare tire. It looked small and dumb compared to all the other tires on the car.

When she’d done enough staring she started thinking. When she was done thinking she tugged at the tire. It didn’t budge. There was a fastener holding it down so she started wrenching at it. That didn’t budge either. She grabbed the sweater and wrapped her hand up then went for it again. It finally gave. She pulled it out and leaned it up against the bumper like she was gonna do something with it.

Janet laughed a little until her throat got hot. She tried to get angry instead but her eyes watered. Someone was trying to get her attention but she didn’t want anyone to see her cry.

A woman stood on the sidewalk behind her. Can I give you a hand, she said.

Janet turned to see her and the more she saw her the older she was. She held a plate of cookies with some cling wrap stretched over. The woman said her name was April and then told her that she lived next door.

April repeated her own name and then said a joke about being one of the few months you can name someone after.

April asked if she was her new neighbor. Janet sniffled then cleared her throat and said no. She could tell April was confused about that so she cleared her throat again and said they were only passing through.

April started talking. She told Janet about her sister who lived in Spokane up until a man wanted to marry her and convinced her to move to South Carolina where his uncle had work for him so she up and went and divorced nine months later but she tried anyway to build a life there and she did alright but never remarried and now she’s set to die soon. I feel I hardly know her anymore but this is her recipe. It’s written by hand in pencil. I have it down by heart and don’t need to look at it but sometimes I do and then I get sad about everything when I see her handwriting. I hope I die first, she said.

April said something else about diabetes then handed her the cookies and wished her safe travels.

—

Franco had a feeling he was forgetting something too so he got up off the flowers in the living room and went for the door. Janet was reaching for the handle to push as he was pulling. He told her he was going to fuel up. She felt dumb holding onto those cookies so she didn’t say anything.

Lilian went through those clothes pushed to the corner of the closet in her room. They were almost in order by the age of the woman who might wear them. There were a few small dresses then a cheerleading uniform then a couple of ski coats and a wedding dress. She pulled out the cheer uniform and held it up in front of her reflection to see how it might look on her.

Janet stood in the shower with her hands pressed to her chest like she was praying or holding onto something. When she was done she stood out in the steam and put her face in the towel. There was a soft scent different than the one she’s used to. She tried to think of the one she’s used to but didn’t know what to think about.

Lilian sat out front of Leif’s tent wearing that cheer uniform. He was in there with the lantern and the whole thing was glowing orange. She thought it might help to ask him some questions so she asked if he was sad or mad or scared. He never said anything.

After a minute of that Leif turned the lantern off. That was the only light in the room so now they were both sitting in the dark. Lilian stayed a while because there was nothing else to do. She pulled at little pieces of the carpet like they were blades of grass.

Franco had almost made it back to the cracker barrel. The car was parked off the shoulder. He marched around the dirt until he found that book. He paused when he saw it there face down and spread open hugging the earth.

He picked it up then held it open over his knee and pushed his hand around the page like it was braille. That gauze was coming undone from the way his face was tightened. The wind made it flutter around like he was waving a little white flag.

—

Janet leaned against the counter in the kitchen and took a bite out of an April cookie. She was staring a hole into the wall in front of her. Lilian stood in the doorway behind her. She didn’t notice her until she spoke. Lilian asked if Franco’s brother had killed himself. Janet nodded.

But that’s not what we’re gonna tell people, said Janet.
Okay?

What do you mean?

You can say that he got sick.

Why?

It’s not something you share.

Are we gonna have a funeral?

I don’t know, sweetie.
People are weird about that.

Funerals?

Janet didn’t answer. Then Lilian went to the counter with her mother and asked why he did it. Janet said she didn’t know.

He wrote a lot in the margins of his book, said Lilian.

A lot of questions.
But they aren’t really about the book.
I think they’re things he was just wondering while he was reading.
I’ve been trying to come up with the answers.
But I don’t really think there are answers.
Everyone probably has a different answer, said Lilian.

Janet didn’t know what to say so she asked about Leif. Lilian told her about his campsite and the lantern. Then she asked if her mother believed in God. She said she didn’t know. Then she told her people are weird about that.

No one was trying to be funny but they ended up smiling like they wanted to laugh.

Janet looked her girl over and told her that her hair’s getting long.

Where’d you get the cookies, mom?

The neighbor, said Janet.

—

Franco got back in the car and sat there listening to tires hiss as they passed until he was ready to drive.

He left the book on the counter with the cookies then slept hard and dreamless on his flower couch. A few hours later he woke up and saw Janet curled up on the other one beside him. She didn’t have a blanket so he gave her his then watched her breathe until he slept again.

—

Rupert’s new family had been calling. Janet’s phone was set up to block unknown numbers so she didn’t check the voicemails until they were almost home. The man’s name was Jasper.

She listened to all the messages in a row before calling him back. He apologized a lot and talked about the humane society and the dog’s chip and a town called Pueblo in Colorado. He apologized again.

Jasper had been calling the dog Bobby. He said his girls came up with the name. He sent Janet a picture. Bobby was laying with another dog and a little girl was kissing his head.

At the last rest stop on the last leg Franco told Lilian that you can’t automate journalism.

—

The funeral was on a Saturday.

Lilian and two of her friends picked some flowers and trimmed the stems then put them in a basket. They handed them to people as they walked in. Some people put them on their coats or over their ears. Most people just held onto them. There weren’t a lot of people.

Janet bought Leif a goldfish. They talked about it then went to the pet store and he picked the one he wanted. He named it Puppy. They put his tank in the boy’s room up against the wall by the door.

Sometimes Leif would wake up to check on it. The fish liked to hide in the sunken pirate ship nestled in the rocks. It used to scare him when he couldn’t find it. Eventually he got comfortable knowing it was there even when he couldn’t see it.